


the courage of stars

by orphan_account



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Book 3: City of Glass, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Malec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:13:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6294613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On nights like this, Alec wonders what he did to deserve Magnus, who somehow, inexplicably makes it better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the courage of stars

_With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite._

_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist._

* * *

Alec couldn't remember how he ended up on the river bank, looking over the sprawl of the destroyed city before him. Come to think of it, everything had become a blur since he shoved his way out of the Hall, gasping and wanting nothing more than to get out, get away from everything. 

He remembered the way Sebastian had spoken to him, as if he was worse than a Downworlder. Alec had expected those words; what had surprised him was that they were coming out of Sebastian's mouth. Sebastian, who was handsome and confident and charming, who had spent hours talking with Max, who had instantly captivated his sister. Sebastian, who was everything he ever tried and wanted to be. Sebastian, who had killed his little brother.

 _Max._ It had barely been an hour. He remembered hurrying up to the Accords Hall after Sebastian disappeared, the uneasy feeling that rose seeing the streets empty, a moment of panic when he thought he couldn't find his family. The fleeting relief when he found them. Then he saw Max.

He remembered pushing toward his family, Jace right behind him, demanding what happened, how could you have let this happen, you were supposed to be there. Isabelle had only sobbed harder, sinking to the ground and pulling their mother down with her. Robert was the one to explain how Sebastian had killed Max, then attacked Isabelle. 

"But Sebastian said—I thought you were with him, he said—" 

"I think we can agree that Sebastian is a lying  _bastard_ ," Jace had interrupted, his voice hard.

Max could sleep anywhere. Alec could write up a list of the number of times and different positions he had found Max sprawled in back at the Institute. He looked like he was sleeping now. 

He can't be _,_ he had suddenly thought, he's not dead, he's too young _._ He had taken Max's small hand, waiting for him to wake up, for him to demand where his manga books were. 

Max didn't wake up. His hands were much too cold. A sudden numbness had taken over Alec's body, then, and he had felt as if the world was heaving and spinning under his feet.

They had lapsed back into a choking silence, only broken again when Jia Penhallow tentatively approached. Maryse had sprung up and, completely ignoring Alec's protests, screamed and screamed her throat hoarse, a rising crescendo of grief and loss until finally, she slumped down next to her daughter. Then, when the order to bring in the bodies rang out, he had fled. 

He ran blindly, ignoring everything around him, his head pounding with _dead, Max is dead, your little brother, dead, dead, Max is dead_. He ran until his legs gave out beneath him, conveniently right in front of the riverbank and far away from anyone else. 

And here he was now, desperately thinking back on all the times he'd neglected his little brother, how he'd failed to become the hero he should've been. He had always supposed there would be more time, he would teach Max how to fight after he got his first Marks, he would help him pick out a sword, he would be the brother Max needed. The brother Max never got to have. And it was all his fault. 

Alec didn't know how long he sat there, watching the streets of Alicante slowly come to life again. He figured people would be worrying about him, but they probably had more things to tend to. The wards were up again, but Valentine would undoubtedly take them down again. Alec's train of thought slammed to a stop as he remembered what Max had said that night: "Do people ever climb the demon towers? Like, for any reason?" And then "But someone did. I know I saw—". They had ignored him. Again. And he had died because of it. He blinked tears back furiously. _I'm so, so sorry. I love you. More than I could ever show._

The sun was just beginning to set—he had been here, he noted distantly, for almost an entire day—when he heard soft footsteps pause behind him.

"What on earth are you doing all the way out here?" murmured a voice, quiet and comforting and familiar. 

Magnus.

Alec tried to offer some explanation, that he wanted to be away from everyone else, that he wanted to be somewhere he could think, but the only thing that came out was, "My brother's dead." 

Magnus sat down next to him, and he instinctively put his head on his shoulder.

His voice was infinitely soft as he replied, "I know."

"It's my fault," Alec whispered hoarsely. "Max came to us that night. He said—he said he saw someone taking the wards down, and I didn't listen. Maybe if I had, he—"

"You couldn't have done anything," Magnus insisted. "Those wards have been up since the beginning of Idris. No one expected Valentine to find a way around them. Even if the Clave saw, they wouldn't have believed it."

Alec ignored him, his voice rising with frustration. "And then I left him with Sebastian. He could've killed Isabelle—he probably didn't even need to try; Max loved him so much because he paid attention and he spent time with him, and it should've been me, I should've been his big brother, not that _monster_ , I was supposed to protect him. And then after he... _did it_ , he came to us, me and Jace and Clary, and I yelled at him for leaving them alone, and he said my parents were with them, and I trusted him. He killed my baby brother and I still trusted him."

Magnus was silent. Finally, he said, very quietly, "It wasn't your fault. No matter how much you think it is, it isn't."

"I should've been there for him," Alec mumbled. "Not just that night. All his life, I've never been much of a brother. I kept on putting him down, just because he was a kid. He never knew I was gay. He barely even met you. He would've loved you."

"Maybe he did, if his comments on my clothes were anything to get by."

Alec choked out a laugh and buried his face in Magnus's neck, and let him hold him close. They stayed like that for a while, and when the night grew cold, Magnus started a fire. 

"How long have you been here?" Magnus asked.

"Since they started bringing in the bodies." 

"Last night?" Magnus said with alarm. "Have you eaten at all?"

Mutely, Alec shook his head.

"Jesus," Magnus exhaled, and conjured up a selection of Taki's take-out.

Alec stared at it, only picking up a piece of bread when Magnus glared at him. 

"I've spent my whole life trying to protect him," he said. "He would get so angry with me when I didn't let him near the weapons because he thought I didn't think much of him. I was just trying to prevent him from being hurt. The sooner he started training, the sooner he'd be allowed on hunts. The sooner he'd get hurt."

All at once, he was overwhelmed with the need to be clean, to wash his skin raw, to start fresh. He got up and made his way down to the river.

"What are you doing?" said Magnus.

"I need to be clean," he replied, pulling his jacket off. "Join me?"

Magnus did.

When they were both neck deep, feeling the water envelop them, Alec whispered, "I wish I got to tell him. That I wasn't belittling him. I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"I know how you feel—" Magnus began.

A flame of anger flickered inside him. "No, you don't," he said sharply. "You don't even have siblings!" And he was inexplicably furious with Magnus, that he never had to go through what Alec was feeling. He wanted to _hurt_ Magnus, in this moment, make him see how he was coming apart.  "You don't know what it's like to lose someone you love, and not even get to—"

"I've had lovers," said Magnus quietly.

Alec laughed harshly and cut him off. "Did you really? Because you seem fine to me. If you loved them, how are you not _shattered_ right now?" he pressed, and when he saw Magnus flinch, every ounce of remorse crashed down on him. "I'm sorry. I can't explain it. You have _no_ idea how I feel."

"I've had lovers, and I've had friends," Magnus repeated, "and I've made mistakes that I couldn't fix. And even if couldn't say goodbye, I know they loved me back because of the person they knew, the person I am, even with my faults. And I can only trust that they died knowing I loved them. Maybe Max couldn't see that. But he loved you, he still does, because you always put him before yourself, even if you didn't show it, and in that way, you were the best brother he could've had."

Magnus pulled him close, miles of skin pressed together. "I've spent centuries living with guilt, and it's a hard thing to get rid of. You're not immortal, Alec, don't let it get to you. Focus on the present, focus on living, and loving, and being loved, for it only lasts as long as you let it."

Alec turned his head and met Magnus's lips with his own. They kissed, slow and steady, as the stars appeared above them, suspended in the air.

"Look," said Magnus, when they finally broke apart. The reflection of the sky glimmered on the surface of the river around them. "The universe goes on forever, because no one is there to stop it. And even if someone could, they wouldn't, because it finds a way to show us how beautiful it is, and reminds us that we could be just as limitless. Max may be gone, but we'll see him again, in a way, and I don't mean in death."

Instead of replying, Alec kissed him again, feverishly, murmuring "thank you" against his lips. 

They made out like teenagers, hard and unhurriedly, fingers tangled in hair, only breaking away when their fingers began to prune.

"Come on," said Magnus. "Let's get you home."

He dried them with a snap of his fingers when they got out of the water, and they slowly took the path to the emptied manor. 

"I'll leave you here," Magnus said at the doorway.

"You're not staying?" Alec asked.

"I'll come right back," he promised. "I have to go back to New York and get Clary's mother out of her coma."

Alec nodded slowly, and with a crooked smile, Magnus was gone.

He climbed the stairs to his bedroom, thinking about what Magnus had said. Maybe he couldn't show everyone how he felt and maybe he couldn't tell right away when others were doing the same. But his family had accepted him when he had kissed Magnus in the Accords Hall, and though it may have been hard, they still loved him.

He remembered Max's face lighting up when he'd caved in and showed him the weapons room. He remembered Max proudly giving him a toy figurine of a bow and arrow. He remembered Max asking him for help on how to read those comics, and his delightful laugh when he'd failed. He remembered running from Church together, trying to avoid Isabelle's cooking, and sneaking Hodge's beloved plants into her dreaded soup.

There were many ways to say _I love you_ , Alec decided. You just had to watch and listen.

**Author's Note:**

> The title and lyrics are from Saturn by Sleeping at Last. Their music is beautiful—check it out: http://sleepingatlast.com
> 
> I decided to give this a try; let me know what you think!


End file.
